Month: March 2022

Cars, Cars, Cars

Obviously playing GT7 wasn’t enough of a car fix, while I take a break from adventuring with Aloy on HFW. I have gone back to a bit of Car Mechanic Simulator over the last couple of evenings. There is something very satisfying about stripping a car down and building it back up fresh.

Coupled with ordering a new car and putting mine up for sale, it’s been a very motor heavy week. Well, the new one doesn’t really have a motor… then again, I guess the electric ones count.

I should sleep. I just need to reassemble these pistons and I’ll call it a night. Bloody V8s.

Work/Work Balance

I have always had a problem with work/life balance. I mostly focus on my work before myself and I know it really shouldn’t be the case. Maybe it’s because something needs doing, I can get it done and so I need to get it done. Which is a win for achieving a goal and getting that sense of accomplishment, but also it technically never ends. There is always something else to do.

This isn’t always the case though, as the times I had lost interest in my work were when I didn’t have anything to do. I’m awful at being at the office with nothing going on. Although I see armies of people spending 7 out of their 7.5 hour days chatting to friends and drinking coffee, of which that might sound dreamy to some people. For me, no. Don’t get me wrong, I go for an occasional brew for 20 mins with a friend or 2, but I more than offset that with my hours. Plus more often than not, the conversation is talking about work anyway. The rest of the time, I’m working away. I have to keep myself occupied or I can just feel myself falling apart.

This has a knock-on effect. When I come to leave and head home, knowing that I have stuff I need to do, it takes me a good hour or so to snap out of it. In addition, especially on a weekend, I spend time pondering what I need to get done or how I’m going to get it done the next day I’m in.

Some days, I’m so stuck in a loop in my mind of what is next on Monday, that my weekend is spent battling my brain to a level of repetition that is only really stopped when I go back in. Arrgghh. What’s more is the constant need to then occupy myself with something at home, to steer the brain away from Monday, so much so that it almost feels like I’m just filling the weekend with trying to avoid waiting for Monday to come round. Mostly just to ease the noise in my head. The constant…

Build that, upgrade these, migrate this stuff, write this thing first, then it can build that bit for you whilst you do this…

… endless. I just need my head to switch off. Even raging at these machines who are successfully destroying Aloy repeatedly isn’t helping. Maybe I just need a drink and some mindless YouTube.

Stay safe out there. πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡¦

Night Thoughts

Another rubbish sleep, but I shouldn’t complain.

It has taken me a long time to accept that I’m not well and that is OK. I have occasional bad days, some of them worse than others and sometimes I’m absolutely fine. It’s only when I started experiencing it myself, that I understood a little about how exhausting mental health really is.

Just a few thoughts as I lay here, unable to sleep. I had a meltdown yesterday afternoon and it wiped me out for the evening. I felt absolutely exhausted and I thought afterwards, once it had eased up, that maybe it would help break the cycle of anti-sleep, but I’m still awake at stupid times. I can’t even pin it on the dog, as she hasn’t made a sound after her adventure yesterday.

Although being awake at this hour lends time to poke about the net, it does offer time to digest the news (as much as I dislike most journalism). The world is still a pretty ridiculous place and I hope those that are forced to be awake right now, dodging bullets and bombs, are ok. Many sleepless nights for those people caught up in something so horrible. I might be having some ups and downs in my head, but I cannot complain that I’m comfortable in my bed.

Stay safe out there. πŸ‡ΊπŸ‡¦